MY STORY
The other day a new female acquaintance of mine sent me an email asking that I give her a brief description of my life story. I felt that my own life experiences can somehow benefit humanity and I dont feel like racking my brain for some other lame topic, so I decided to post it for all to enjoy. My name is Brian and this is my story:
PART I
I was born a poor asian boy on the Hard Knock streets of Hong Kong where I made and sold oragami on street corners. After years of hard work and stress I realized that I could recruit kids and old women to fold it for me in my own sweatshop and others to sell on the streets. My organization quickly grew and grew into a giant corporation and, although there were a few raids by the police on some of my shops, and a couple of court preceedings having to do with child labor laws, Killer B's Kamikazee Oragami was on top and nobody could bring me down, except for one person. A girl. Her name was Suki.

She worked downtown in shop number 723. As I walked by her folding area which was a 2 by 1.5 foot area on the floor so we could fit as many people in that abandoned meat packing factory, I noticed she was a lot slower than the other girls, but her hands were not scarred or welted from "encouragement" from our head "guidance counselor" Butch, so I called to him. There was no response. I called again and before I could completly pronounciate his name, she said softly without looking up at me or or stopping her work, "I beat him up. He is unconscious in the storage closet." I placed my hand on hers signaling her to stop. She looked up at me with eyes of like bolts of lightning that zapped me as if I were a criminal sitting in the electric chair of LOVE!

Instead of screaming illustrative profanities and pounding my fist on the ground, all I could muster out was "You really beat him up?" She nodded and looked down at the floor. I gently lifted up her chin with my hand, looked her in the eyes and asked her if she wanted to go get lunch with me. She said yes so I made her clock out before we went to the factory cafeteria....

*To be continued

END WORLD HUNGER, Quick and Easy!

The other day I was frequenting the local Shoppers supermarket, which I think is a great name for a supermarket, and while counting the pennies I had left after filling my gas tank with liquid gold and paying my credit card bill and while trying to think straight while my belly roared mightily in hunger, I had a true life saving experience....Ok, so I so hungry that I felt like I was gonna die! Ima real weiner when it comes to hunger! Me on the Gandhi diet is like a street fight between Chuck Norris and Dilbert!

As my stomach growls echoed throughout the store and drowned out the price checks from the loudspeaker, I searched vigorously for something to calm the beast. My knees began to shake and I felt like getting into the fetal position on the cold floor to breathe my last few breaths of life and go to that big buffet in the sky, but I saw something from the corner of my eye that gave me new life. It was a small box with the words "PASTA RONI" on it. Could it be that those Heavenly servants from San Francisco who has shared their treat with the world has come out with a new pasta dish? With what little strength I had left, I crawled past the Mac and cheese and Hamburger Helper to the Holy Grail of quick, Soccer Mom dishes. The words on the box made my spirit soar, it read:

"Garlic Alfredo PASTA RONI takes two trendy flavors and combines them to create great tasting creamy parmesan and garlic dish that consumers just love. And, Garlic Alfredo cooks in only 6 minutes!"

All this fer one U.S. Dollar!
My inverted tummy and my loose change in my pocket both screamed "get it man" and began to sing a joyous tune together as I made my way to the cash register!

I wish to thank the good people at Rice-A-Roni who have saved my life and continue to save the lives of people worldwide for a small, reasonable fee.